BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR
Wow… Where do I even begin with this one… This seems to borrow all sorts of elements from other crappy movies. Here are a FEW of the ones that I have noticed.
Opening Sequence- Right out of Manos, The Hands of Fate.. only with actual title cards running through the ‘scenery’..
Establishing Shots= The Room, only instead of random shots of San Francisco landmarks… this uses someone Parking and/or Pulling into Traffic to set up the scene… or to transition from one scene to the next. It would make a great drinking game if you take a shot everytime someone parks or drives off. It would also guarantee you a trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Dialogue= Some poor crazy hippy’s Cable Access Show. I’m completely serious… Instead of running from the murderous eagles… they actually take 5-10 minutes to talk about the enviroment with EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY MEET. No joke. They even stop running/hiding in the woods to talk to a man who lives in a tree (who wears the most ridiculous wig i’ve ever seen) about… ‘Spruce Bark Beetles’ and how they are a danger to the trees in the forest.
CGI= The CGI birds… look like they were taken straight from a .gif gallery on 4chan. Actually, I take that back.. 4chan has great graphics… These looked ripped off from a 1990s Angelfire website…
Musical Score= I would say it was a bad immitation of a ‘Lifetime, Television for Women Original Movie’.. but it was nowhere near as good as those are…
Acting= I wasn’t going to comment on the acting, because there wasn’t any. The best ‘acting’ in this movie belonged to the morbidly obese mother of the ‘Victoria’s Secrets’ Model. I believe the closest way to describe the acting would be a combination of the worst parts of TROLL 2…. and the ‘talent’ you may find at the ‘Sunshine School for the Gifted and Mentally Challenged’
Now, here is a few things I learned from watching this motion picture event….
- Birds suddenly burst into flames and explode when dive-bombing into things.
- Birds can apparently shoot acid that melts off peoples faces.
- Birds cannot attack you if you hold a wire hanger, hide in the back seat with the window down, or hide under a car.
- Kids could care less if their parents are mutilated in front of them…as long as they can get candy or a happy meal.
- Parking a car and driving away every 20seconds is the only way to establish the beginning and ending of a scene.
- Hot girls usually take dumps in the road….which lead to their deaths.
- When a birdemic will take place, don’t sweat it… they apparently will give up and fly away when they’re board…. especially when you are cornered with no way out.
- Electric Plug-In Hybrid Mustang Vehicles exist…
- Product placement doesn’t need to be carefully hidden in the story… Just have an Asian girl wear a t-shirt with your message and website on THE ENTIRE TIME… and if she is involved in a sex scene… just have them do it in front of a poster with the exact same message and URL.
- If you forget to hide brand-names from Candy Manufacturers… don’t bother with re-shoots or hiring an Art Department… that’s for losers… Just blur out the entire Candy Section… including the actors that walk in front of it… It’s for the best.
Now that I got that off my chest…
This is a must see for all. I first watched this alone, only to drag a bunch of my friends over to my house the next day and show it to them.
Trust me, this cinematic mess is best watched with a group of friends who can marvel at how bad a movie can get.
FILM RATING- 0.01 (out of 5.0)
RIFF RATING- 4 (out of 4)