Birdemic: Shock and Terror

by DMD on March 15, 2011 at 1:35 am
Posted In: Reviews

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR

Jesus Fucking Christ....

Wow… Where do I even begin with this one… This seems to borrow all sorts of elements from other crappy movies. Here are a FEW of the ones that I have noticed.

Opening Sequence- Right out of Manos, The Hands of Fate.. only with actual title cards running through the ‘scenery’..
Establishing Shots= The Room, only instead of random shots of San Francisco landmarks… this uses someone Parking and/or Pulling into Traffic to set up the scene… or to transition from one scene to the next. It would make a great drinking game  if you take a shot everytime someone parks or drives off. It would also guarantee you a trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Dialogue= Some poor crazy hippy’s Cable Access Show. I’m completely serious… Instead of running from the murderous eagles… they actually take 5-10 minutes to talk about the enviroment with EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY MEET. No joke. They even stop running/hiding in the woods to talk to a man who lives in a tree (who wears the most ridiculous wig i’ve ever seen) about… ‘Spruce Bark Beetles’ and how they are a danger to the trees in the forest.
CGI= The CGI birds… look like they were taken straight from a .gif gallery on 4chan. Actually, I take that back.. 4chan has great graphics… These looked ripped off from a 1990s Angelfire website…

NOOOO WIREEEEE HANNGGERRRSS

Musical Score= I would say it was a bad immitation of a ‘Lifetime, Television for Women Original Movie’.. but it was nowhere near as good as those are…

Acting= I wasn’t going to comment on the acting, because there wasn’t any. The best ‘acting’ in this movie belonged to the morbidly obese mother of the ‘Victoria’s Secrets’ Model. I believe the closest way to describe the acting would be a combination of the worst parts of TROLL 2…. and the ‘talent’ you may find at the ‘Sunshine School for the Gifted and Mentally Challenged’

 

Now, here is a few things I learned from watching this motion picture event….

  1. Birds suddenly burst into flames and explode when dive-bombing into things.
  2. Birds can apparently shoot acid that melts off peoples faces.
  3. Birds cannot attack you if you hold a wire hanger, hide in the back seat with the window down, or hide under a car.
  4. Kids could care less if their parents are mutilated in front of them…as long as they can get candy or a happy meal.
  5. Parking a car and driving away every 20seconds is the only way to establish the beginning and ending of a scene.
  6. Hot girls usually take dumps in the road….which lead to their deaths.
  7. When a birdemic will take place, don’t sweat it… they apparently will give up and fly away when they’re board…. especially when you are cornered with no way out.
  8. Electric Plug-In Hybrid Mustang Vehicles exist…
  9. Product placement doesn’t need to be carefully hidden in the story… Just have an Asian girl wear a t-shirt with your message and website on THE ENTIRE TIME… and if she is involved in a sex scene… just have them do it in front of a poster with the exact same message and URL.
  10. If you forget to hide brand-names from Candy Manufacturers… don’t bother with re-shoots or hiring an Art Department… that’s for losers… Just blur out the entire Candy Section… including the actors that walk in front of it… It’s for the best.

Now that I got that off my chest…

This is a must see for all. I first watched this alone, only to drag a bunch of my friends over to my house the next day and show it to them.

Trust me, this cinematic mess is best watched with a group of friends who can marvel at how bad a movie can get.

FILM RATING- 0.01 (out of 5.0)

RIFF RATING- 4 (out of 4)


 

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Scarecrow

by DMD on February 28, 2011 at 6:36 am
Posted In: Reviews

SCARECROW (2002)

I’ll keep this one short and sweet:
First, I have to get this out: Why in the name of John Goodman’s third chin… is the main character (whose supposed to be a troubled high school student) played by a 30 year old man? I know that they are usually played by someone in their early-mid 20s.. but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, there’s a limit. He had wrinkles for god sakes.
Whatever world or universe this film takes place in… it’s got to be one of the most depressing, cruel, and sadistic world i’ve ever seen. Usually in independent movies, it’s a good thing. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing the entire time.
Honestly, there are just too many bad points in this movie to list. The horrible acting, the bad effects, weird kills (Killed by corn-on-the-cob… and it was serious). This B-Movie is entertaining with a group of friends who all have a dark and morbid sense of humor. In no way is this a good movie, but its one of those ‘so bad it’s good’ kind of movies.
However… one thing which REALLY PISSED ME OFF… was that this piece of shit film… was dedicated to the great Dario Argento. … Im just going to stop there.
Now, from a B-movie go-er’s point of view… this is an EXCELLENT movie to watch with a group of friends and make fun of it the entire time. Theres just too much material. This is a must see for a fun B-movie riffing experience.

FILM RATING- 1.5 (OUT OF 5)

RIFF RATING 3  (OUT OF 4)

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Bite Me!

by DMD on February 28, 2011 at 6:35 am
Posted In: Reviews

BITE ME!

I would rather be eaten alive by Coyotes than watch this again

This ‘movie’ was tells the tale of a drug dealer who also spends his nights managing the strip club he owns. When a series of events take place, the owner somehow comes into possession with a wooden crate of weed, which unknowing to him, is host to a colony of giant, mutant, blood-hungry ticks. They break out of their nest and attack, reaking havoc on the strippers and customers of the club.
Sounds innocent right?
Sounds like a possibility for lulz and nudity-filled schenanigans, right?
WRONG! … well… wrong about the lulz and innocence…. right on the nudity.
Turns out to be a softcore porno… without the charm.
Apparantly, these bugs contain venom.. and once they bite any of the women… the infected women turn to lesbians. No joke.
They do it… A LOT… and then some guy at the club gets out a gun and starts rambling on about how everyone is a pervert and goes off in a rant about how the country is falling apart… weird… then more lesbian sex… more fighting… and 2 boring HORRIBLE hours later… the club explodes.
Oh… did i mention that the club is in the shape of a GIANT LIFESIZE MODEL of Godzilla? Because  that’s kind of important.
This B-movie is ACCEPTABLE to watch with a group of friends and make fun of it. The first 20 minutes were great… a lot of material. Then… it got so incredible boring and horrible… I believe someones words were “I wish I could just peel all my skin off”.

I wouldn’t even recommend this to riffers who want to pass time or treat a severe case of boredom. This movie was a complete waste of time, lacked the charm that makes bad movies enjoyable, and if I were given the choice to walk home from a bar in Burbank all the way to a shitty apartment in Koreatown… or watch this again… I choose the risk of being mauled by Coyotes than to be exposed to this piece of shit ever again.

 

FILM RATING- 0.5 (OUT OF 5)

RIFF RATING- 0 (OUT OF 4)

EPIC FAIL!

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