Scarecrow

SCARECROW (2002)

I’ll keep this one short and sweet:
First, I have to get this out: Why in the name of John Goodman’s third chin… is the main character (whose supposed to be a troubled high school student) played by a 30 year old man? I know that they are usually played by someone in their early-mid 20s.. but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, there’s a limit. He had wrinkles for god sakes.
Whatever world or universe this film takes place in… it’s got to be one of the most depressing, cruel, and sadistic world i’ve ever seen. Usually in independent movies, it’s a good thing. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing the entire time.
Honestly, there are just too many bad points in this movie to list. The horrible acting, the bad effects, weird kills (Killed by corn-on-the-cob… and it was serious). This B-Movie is entertaining with a group of friends who all have a dark and morbid sense of humor. In no way is this a good movie, but its one of those ‘so bad it’s good’ kind of movies.
However… one thing which REALLY PISSED ME OFF… was that this piece of shit film… was dedicated to the great Dario Argento. … Im just going to stop there.
Now, from a B-movie go-er’s point of view… this is an EXCELLENT movie to watch with a group of friends and make fun of it the entire time. Theres just too much material. This is a must see for a fun B-movie riffing experience.

FILM RATING- 1.5 (OUT OF 5)

RIFF RATING 3  (OUT OF 4)

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Bite Me!

BITE ME!

I would rather be eaten alive by Coyotes than watch this again

This ‘movie’ was tells the tale of a drug dealer who also spends his nights managing the strip club he owns. When a series of events take place, the owner somehow comes into possession with a wooden crate of weed, which unknowing to him, is host to a colony of giant, mutant, blood-hungry ticks. They break out of their nest and attack, reaking havoc on the strippers and customers of the club.
Sounds innocent right?
Sounds like a possibility for lulz and nudity-filled schenanigans, right?
WRONG! … well… wrong about the lulz and innocence…. right on the nudity.
Turns out to be a softcore porno… without the charm.
Apparantly, these bugs contain venom.. and once they bite any of the women… the infected women turn to lesbians. No joke.
They do it… A LOT… and then some guy at the club gets out a gun and starts rambling on about how everyone is a pervert and goes off in a rant about how the country is falling apart… weird… then more lesbian sex… more fighting… and 2 boring HORRIBLE hours later… the club explodes.
Oh… did i mention that the club is in the shape of a GIANT LIFESIZE MODEL of Godzilla? Because  that’s kind of important.
This B-movie is ACCEPTABLE to watch with a group of friends and make fun of it. The first 20 minutes were great… a lot of material. Then… it got so incredible boring and horrible… I believe someones words were “I wish I could just peel all my skin off”.

I wouldn’t even recommend this to riffers who want to pass time or treat a severe case of boredom. This movie was a complete waste of time, lacked the charm that makes bad movies enjoyable, and if I were given the choice to walk home from a bar in Burbank all the way to a shitty apartment in Koreatown… or watch this again… I choose the risk of being mauled by Coyotes than to be exposed to this piece of shit ever again.

 

FILM RATING- 0.5 (OUT OF 5)

RIFF RATING- 0 (OUT OF 4)

EPIC FAIL!

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