HOUSE OF LOST SOULS

HOUSE OF LOST SOULS (1989)

I decided to finally sit down and go through my external hard drives for movies I got years ago and have yet to indulge in. The title looked promising so I turned it on and gave it a go.
Immediatly, I noticed that the soundtrack was ripped off from other movies, most notedly DEMONS. I dug the shining-like vision sequence, only to be let down to the horrible truth of what was in store for me.
I’m not entirely sure if it was the screenplays fault, since I have yet to watch the Italian version, but goddamn… the dialogue made me burst out laughing. One of the first lines in the film takes place after the main character has a vision of murder and blood. Her boyfriend tries to calm her down with his words of wisdom: “Hey, calm down. The doctors gave you a reasonable explaination… you have psychic powers”.

The dialogue may suck beyond comprehension, but I have to hand it to Umberto Lenzi.. he knows atmosphere. What kept me watching this flick after the first few scenes was his use of atmosphere. You could tell there was a presence all around the house.

The kills are also pretty inventive. I never seen someone attacked by a laundry dryer and decapitated by it, lol. The ghosts M.O. are strickly limited to decapitation, so objects throughout the house become players attributing to the characters doom.

Although the acting sucks with cut-and-dry characters, the film is surrounded by creepy atmosphere, interesting kills, and enough haunted house cliches to entertain you for the whole ride.

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Rape Squad

RAPE SQUAD (1974)


So, while looking for some outrageous exploitation movies on Netflix, I happen to stumble upon this. Judging from the title and plot… I expected to be bombarded with shock and lulz, but sadly.. was let down to a lifetime television original movie-like experience with great potential for future rifftrax material.

Plot- Linda is raped by a man in a hockey mask that forces her to sing ‘Jingle-Bells’ while he rapes her. When the cops do nothing, she teams up with other victims of the Jingle-Bell Rapist and seek revenge. Joining their ‘Rape Squad’ is also some old lady who knows Karate, who teaches them the ways of self-defense.

They first decide to pay a visit to someone who got away with raping someone they just met at a bar. They cuff him to his bed, wreck his house, strip him, and hold up a bottle of acid. I braced myself for what was to come, hoping it would be better than ‘Santa Sangre’, but watched in extreme disappointment as the girls poured purple paint out of the bottle. The girls tee-heed and I sat there pissed off, letting the rage build inside me. Their so-called “Justice” is beyond pathetic and had me sitting in confusion and hoping that these retards meet their demise soon. Instead of looking for clues or being persistent in stopping the masked rapist, they continue to attack men who had nothing to do with it. They strip some old guy naked and threaten to all rape him (umm.. ok… yeah.. that’s what will teach him… sex with 5 women at once). They also beat up a pimp after destroying his car.

The masked rapist lures all the members of the rape squad to a closed-down zoo, where he picks them off one by one. The stupidity of these characters are beyond ridiculous. One character, knowing the rapist is there, decides to turn from the group and walk home by herself. Another character decides to sacrifice herself so that he wouldn’t harm two of the others… who LOCKED THEMSELVES IN A CAGE AWAY FROM THE RAPIST.

There were times that the absurd decisions of the characters, lack of logic in the plot, and random events that took place had me laughing. Overall, there were too many plot-holes, boring scenes, and characters being retarded that made the bad outweigh the good in this film. It’s good for a few laughs, but its mainly a disappointment and manages to set women back a few hundred years.

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ANTHROPOPHAGUS

ANTHROPOPHAGUS: THE GRIM REAPER (1981)

A group of tourists are led by Mia Farrow’s sister and take a boat ride to a deserted island. Upon arrival, they realize there isn’t a soul in sight. They soon find themselves stalked by a mysterious deformed cannibalistic native who is unnaturally strong. As they are picked off one-by-one, they must unravel the mystery of the town and find a way out before they become his next meal.

The pace was a little slow and the dialogue was really cheesy at times, but the gore makes up for all that. From decapitations to forced abortions/fetus eatings… it definitely deserves it’s place on the banned list and its spot in the ‘video nasty’ era.
Also…Can Anybody…. ANYBODY tell me why they act like ‘Coca-Cola’ is some sort of orgasmic drug? They treat it like its crystal meth. Its just a soda, people. Sorry… just had to get that off my chest.
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Troll 2

TROLL 2 (1990)

Eat Your Icecream!

Let me start off with this small disclaimer…

WARNING: Once you see and experience this film… your life WILL be changed. For the better? For the worse? That’s all depending on you.

I almost had to create a new ratings classification for this mystical film of wonders.
Don’t get me wrong…. This is a horrible… HORRIBLE… movie.

But DAMN… is it a blast to watch.

EVERY aspect is tainted with failure. Every deparment had its own attribution that helped make it one of the WORST FILMS EVER MADE. There is not one single thing that even comes close to attempting redemption to the cinematic world. And that’s why we all love it. Across the world, moviegoers flock to midnight showings dressed in attire based off the film. Many consider this the next generation’s ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.
The Acting- After seeing the documentary ‘Best Worst Movie’, I quickly understood what went wrong.  Only two or three actors out of the entire cast were aiming to become professional actors. The rest already had careers in other lines of work; ranging from Dentistry to Church Missionaries. One was an actual patient at a Mental Hospital. (To be honest, the guy seems great, but during that time… he admits that he had no idea what was even going on).

Some of the characters are so over the top, it had me cringe at times, feeling embarrassment for the actors. The Dialogue sounding unnatural (and just plain weird) probably didn’t help the performance of the actors. Not to mention the face-palmingly stupid actions of every single character, which probably was the final straw that had the actors give up on their performance at some times. A teenage guy is bleeding, holding a cup of boiling mysterious substances, watching a woman melting away into green ooze and being devoured by deformed midgets… and he doesn’t run away, refrain from continuing drinking the ‘broth’, or even getting the fuck out of there.

The Plot- Doesn’t really make any sense. A suburban family decides to house-swap with a farming family in some small town in the middle of nowhere. They find out that the town is run by Vegetarian Goblins, not Trolls, who attempt to transform the humans into plants… to… eat them…

….yeah…

So Joshua, with the help of his dead grandfather, try to take down the kingdom of the goblins and help his family return home.

GORE- I wouldn’t really call it gore, since its green slime and ooze. But we got children turning into trees, cut/trimmed by a chainsaw, chicks being dissolved and eaten, ministers set on fire, and midgets getting cut up.
This film, although lacking good quality filmmaking, is full of wonder and charm. Every viewing I somehow manage to pick up something new that I like. There is NEVER a dull moment in this movie.

YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

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Woodchipper Massacre

The Woodchipper Massacre (1988)


Imagine, if you will, getting home from school and turning on ABC family. They have an after-school special, most likely a made-for-tv production, about three kids who are left alone while their father is away on business. Naturally… Schenanigans ensue.. and end up causing trouble with their strict act (who forbids any fun or happiness at all). Over time, they get over their differences and bond in a very loving and touching manner… Sounds like a nice way to spend the afternoon, right?
IN THIS FILM, however, half-way through, the youngest kid, about 12, stabs the aunt “by accident” and she dies. They argue for about 20 MINUTES… annoying the hell out of the audience (if there is one)… and decide to hide the body and cover it up. By the way, if the first thing that comes to my mind if I accidentally kill someone… IS NOT that I wouldn’t be able to sell girl scout cookies… you know what… it’s best if I don’t get into their individual motivations to cover-up the murder… you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

After they FREEZE the body and throw it into a wood-chipper (complete with a Happy musical score playing the entire time, which sounds fine theoretically for a cult/b-movie… but it is executed so bad that the only word to describe it is= FAIL!).. their ex-con cousin drops by… and ends up being next.

Their dad decides to come home early… so there is a happy musical montage of the children finally bonding and cleaning up the house/yard. Their dad comes home to award them new bikes…. It’s the perfect after school special for the Manson children… well… it would be if done right…

I don’t even want to discuss their ‘acting’, because there was none. I’m pretty sure some of them were reading their lines from off-screen. The editing was choppy and filled with Continuity problems, not to mention the image looks as if it was shot ON a VHS tape. The pacing is just a nightmare… nothing happens for 45 minutes, then there’s a 20 minute discussion that will make anyone on Adderall fall asleep.
I recommend you skip this one. Some of it can be saved by riffing it with drunken friends, but there are better choices out there than this Piece of Garbage.

FILM RATING: 1 (out of 5)

RIFF RATING: 2 (out of 4)

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Birdemic: Shock and Terror

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR

Jesus Fucking Christ....

Wow… Where do I even begin with this one… This seems to borrow all sorts of elements from other crappy movies. Here are a FEW of the ones that I have noticed.

Opening Sequence- Right out of Manos, The Hands of Fate.. only with actual title cards running through the ‘scenery’..
Establishing Shots= The Room, only instead of random shots of San Francisco landmarks… this uses someone Parking and/or Pulling into Traffic to set up the scene… or to transition from one scene to the next. It would make a great drinking game  if you take a shot everytime someone parks or drives off. It would also guarantee you a trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Dialogue= Some poor crazy hippy’s Cable Access Show. I’m completely serious… Instead of running from the murderous eagles… they actually take 5-10 minutes to talk about the enviroment with EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY MEET. No joke. They even stop running/hiding in the woods to talk to a man who lives in a tree (who wears the most ridiculous wig i’ve ever seen) about… ‘Spruce Bark Beetles’ and how they are a danger to the trees in the forest.
CGI= The CGI birds… look like they were taken straight from a .gif gallery on 4chan. Actually, I take that back.. 4chan has great graphics… These looked ripped off from a 1990s Angelfire website…

NOOOO WIREEEEE HANNGGERRRSS

Musical Score= I would say it was a bad immitation of a ‘Lifetime, Television for Women Original Movie’.. but it was nowhere near as good as those are…

Acting= I wasn’t going to comment on the acting, because there wasn’t any. The best ‘acting’ in this movie belonged to the morbidly obese mother of the ‘Victoria’s Secrets’ Model. I believe the closest way to describe the acting would be a combination of the worst parts of TROLL 2…. and the ‘talent’ you may find at the ‘Sunshine School for the Gifted and Mentally Challenged’

 

Now, here is a few things I learned from watching this motion picture event….

  1. Birds suddenly burst into flames and explode when dive-bombing into things.
  2. Birds can apparently shoot acid that melts off peoples faces.
  3. Birds cannot attack you if you hold a wire hanger, hide in the back seat with the window down, or hide under a car.
  4. Kids could care less if their parents are mutilated in front of them…as long as they can get candy or a happy meal.
  5. Parking a car and driving away every 20seconds is the only way to establish the beginning and ending of a scene.
  6. Hot girls usually take dumps in the road….which lead to their deaths.
  7. When a birdemic will take place, don’t sweat it… they apparently will give up and fly away when they’re board…. especially when you are cornered with no way out.
  8. Electric Plug-In Hybrid Mustang Vehicles exist…
  9. Product placement doesn’t need to be carefully hidden in the story… Just have an Asian girl wear a t-shirt with your message and website on THE ENTIRE TIME… and if she is involved in a sex scene… just have them do it in front of a poster with the exact same message and URL.
  10. If you forget to hide brand-names from Candy Manufacturers… don’t bother with re-shoots or hiring an Art Department… that’s for losers… Just blur out the entire Candy Section… including the actors that walk in front of it… It’s for the best.

Now that I got that off my chest…

This is a must see for all. I first watched this alone, only to drag a bunch of my friends over to my house the next day and show it to them.

Trust me, this cinematic mess is best watched with a group of friends who can marvel at how bad a movie can get.

FILM RATING- 0.01 (out of 5.0)

RIFF RATING- 4 (out of 4)


 

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Scarecrow

SCARECROW (2002)

I’ll keep this one short and sweet:
First, I have to get this out: Why in the name of John Goodman’s third chin… is the main character (whose supposed to be a troubled high school student) played by a 30 year old man? I know that they are usually played by someone in their early-mid 20s.. but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, there’s a limit. He had wrinkles for god sakes.
Whatever world or universe this film takes place in… it’s got to be one of the most depressing, cruel, and sadistic world i’ve ever seen. Usually in independent movies, it’s a good thing. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing the entire time.
Honestly, there are just too many bad points in this movie to list. The horrible acting, the bad effects, weird kills (Killed by corn-on-the-cob… and it was serious). This B-Movie is entertaining with a group of friends who all have a dark and morbid sense of humor. In no way is this a good movie, but its one of those ‘so bad it’s good’ kind of movies.
However… one thing which REALLY PISSED ME OFF… was that this piece of shit film… was dedicated to the great Dario Argento. … Im just going to stop there.
Now, from a B-movie go-er’s point of view… this is an EXCELLENT movie to watch with a group of friends and make fun of it the entire time. Theres just too much material. This is a must see for a fun B-movie riffing experience.

FILM RATING- 1.5 (OUT OF 5)

RIFF RATING 3  (OUT OF 4)

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Bite Me!

BITE ME!

I would rather be eaten alive by Coyotes than watch this again

This ‘movie’ was tells the tale of a drug dealer who also spends his nights managing the strip club he owns. When a series of events take place, the owner somehow comes into possession with a wooden crate of weed, which unknowing to him, is host to a colony of giant, mutant, blood-hungry ticks. They break out of their nest and attack, reaking havoc on the strippers and customers of the club.
Sounds innocent right?
Sounds like a possibility for lulz and nudity-filled schenanigans, right?
WRONG! … well… wrong about the lulz and innocence…. right on the nudity.
Turns out to be a softcore porno… without the charm.
Apparantly, these bugs contain venom.. and once they bite any of the women… the infected women turn to lesbians. No joke.
They do it… A LOT… and then some guy at the club gets out a gun and starts rambling on about how everyone is a pervert and goes off in a rant about how the country is falling apart… weird… then more lesbian sex… more fighting… and 2 boring HORRIBLE hours later… the club explodes.
Oh… did i mention that the club is in the shape of a GIANT LIFESIZE MODEL of Godzilla? Because  that’s kind of important.
This B-movie is ACCEPTABLE to watch with a group of friends and make fun of it. The first 20 minutes were great… a lot of material. Then… it got so incredible boring and horrible… I believe someones words were “I wish I could just peel all my skin off”.

I wouldn’t even recommend this to riffers who want to pass time or treat a severe case of boredom. This movie was a complete waste of time, lacked the charm that makes bad movies enjoyable, and if I were given the choice to walk home from a bar in Burbank all the way to a shitty apartment in Koreatown… or watch this again… I choose the risk of being mauled by Coyotes than to be exposed to this piece of shit ever again.

 

FILM RATING- 0.5 (OUT OF 5)

RIFF RATING- 0 (OUT OF 4)

EPIC FAIL!

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