PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 2: TOKYO NIGHT

PARANORAL ACTIVITY 2: TOKYO NIGHT (2010)

No…. no… this is NOT a review for the recent sequel released by Paramount Pictures. This is a new, unknown, official sequel made by Japan.

After Katie murders her boyfriend at the end of the first film, she is run over by an Asian Woman Driver (Insert Racial Joke Here). When returning to Japan in a wheel chair, her brother notices strange things going around the house. It wouldn’t be a Paranormal Activity movie without handycams, now would it?
At first, I feared I was doomed to a shot-by-shot retelling of the first movie. It opens with the guy adjusting his camera while the girl arrives by car. The bass-filled atmosphere that occompanies the hauntings also return.

Luckily, this installment brought back what worked from the first one and added to it. The possession was creepy as hell and some of the shit that goes down had my jaw dropping.
Unfortunatly, the biggest flaw of the film is the recycling of everything from part one. They basically spell everything out for you, leaving nothing to the imagination, but then again… its a sequel to Paranormal Activity… so I wasn’t really expecting much in the immagination department. I also dreaded the reusing of the signature ‘toss-to-the-camera’ shot.

Overall, the movie was an interesting way to spend a Friday night. It delivered some scares, added onto the franchise a little, gave another alternative explaination to the hauntings that wasn’t retarded beyond comprehension… (I’m sorry, but nothing was a bigger letdown to me than the American sequels explaination of making a deal with the devil). I prefer this explaination better, because it shows how powerful and unstoppable this evil can be. Other than that… if you have seen the first one… you’ve basically seen this.

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PROM NIGHT II

Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou (1987)

In the 50s, Some bitch gets roasted on the stage after a prank goes horribly wrong. Years later, the culprit, who is now the principle, teams up with a priest who try to stop her vengful spirit.

Don’t kill me, but I wasn’t a big fan of the first Prom Night… I dug Jamie Lee Curtis and the atmosphere, but I just couldn’t get into it. The sequel, which stands alone from the first one, is more of a supernatural revenge story.

The acting was refreshingly well done… as well as some of the scares. We got demonic possession, vengful spirits, objects coming alive, etc. Its also packed with 80s cliches.

However, there are many times during the film that had me facepalming the hell out of myself. A priest waving a crucifix screaming THE BODY OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU… over and over again.. come on… that screams out THE EXORCIST.

The film also borrows a lot from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET… where the main protagonist, a teenage girl, is seeing disturbing things in her subconscious, such as her dead friends who was killed by a spirit seeking revenge. She also becomes sleep deprived and surrounded by Paranoia.

All in all… the film has likable characters, predictable scares if you’ve seen enough horror films, a dash of lesbonic activity, and plenty of 80s culture to shake a stick at. Its a great way to spend an hour and a half.

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RABID GRANNIES

RABID GRANNIES (1989)

I’m going to start off with this one by saying that this is the Troma-Release version that can be found on Netflix. Apparantly there are multiple versions of the film and didn’t want people to get confused.

Two elderly sisters have all their gold-digger family members over their mansion for their birthday celibration… with the exception of one… the Satanic-worshipping relative. He gets wind of the party and is pissed he wasn’t invited. During the birthday dinner, the grannies recieve a mysterious box as a gift from the occultist… which turns them into demonic cannibalistic spawns of Satan. The reunion quickly becomes an every-man-for-himself bloodbath.

The movie starts off slow and is probably one of the worst dubbed movies I’ve ever experienced. Apparantly the movie is French, one of the worst languages to dub (Italian being the easiest).

Every family member is impossible to relate to. The most redeemable character in the entire movie would have to be the Lesbian prostitute that cheats on her client with the client’s brother. Even the children, who are dubbed by adults, are annoying and able to sway the most conservative person suddenly pro-choice.

When the killings begin, the pace goes into overdrive. The gore was actually surprising.. as well as the make-up. It reminded me of Lamberto Bava’s DEMONS, which made me like the film better. The killings are also interesting and inventive. At some times, the film even managed to catch me off guard and surprise me. Nothing says entertainment like a good ol’fashioned eating of a little girl with pig-tails.

Overall, the film is an entertaining way to spend with friends while enjoying alcohol. It is boring at the start, but quickly changes at the first kill and refuses to slow down. It is in no way a good movie, film-making-wise, but a well-made B-movie that shows unlikable characters meeting their well-deserved end by the hand of two demonic-possessed grannies.

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SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE

SEVEN DAYS TO LIVE (2000)

When I heard people referring this film as ‘The British Shining’, I really had no idea how accurate that description was. It’s about an Author who wants to get away from it all and write his latest book. He moves into a secluded mansion with his wife, who begins to see things around the house. He gradually changes into a maniac as she runs around the house with a giant kitchen knife. A local old-timer who warns her about the house manages to come to her rescue… sound familiar?

The film lacked anything genuily creepy from start to finish (minus the last part of the opening scene), but I kept watching it hoping it would add something new to the story. I kind of dug the backstory about the dead little boy and was impressed by the acting. However, it was too similar to The Shining, which is a huge distraction.

Also, I was confused as to how the hell the house, which is dragged into the abyss and crumbles away, manages to be standing again as the ending credits role. Apparantly the house either sprung back up like a daisy… or someone made a huge continuity error.

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HOUSE OF LOST SOULS

HOUSE OF LOST SOULS (1989)

I decided to finally sit down and go through my external hard drives for movies I got years ago and have yet to indulge in. The title looked promising so I turned it on and gave it a go.
Immediatly, I noticed that the soundtrack was ripped off from other movies, most notedly DEMONS. I dug the shining-like vision sequence, only to be let down to the horrible truth of what was in store for me.
I’m not entirely sure if it was the screenplays fault, since I have yet to watch the Italian version, but goddamn… the dialogue made me burst out laughing. One of the first lines in the film takes place after the main character has a vision of murder and blood. Her boyfriend tries to calm her down with his words of wisdom: “Hey, calm down. The doctors gave you a reasonable explaination… you have psychic powers”.

The dialogue may suck beyond comprehension, but I have to hand it to Umberto Lenzi.. he knows atmosphere. What kept me watching this flick after the first few scenes was his use of atmosphere. You could tell there was a presence all around the house.

The kills are also pretty inventive. I never seen someone attacked by a laundry dryer and decapitated by it, lol. The ghosts M.O. are strickly limited to decapitation, so objects throughout the house become players attributing to the characters doom.

Although the acting sucks with cut-and-dry characters, the film is surrounded by creepy atmosphere, interesting kills, and enough haunted house cliches to entertain you for the whole ride.

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Rape Squad

RAPE SQUAD (1974)


So, while looking for some outrageous exploitation movies on Netflix, I happen to stumble upon this. Judging from the title and plot… I expected to be bombarded with shock and lulz, but sadly.. was let down to a lifetime television original movie-like experience with great potential for future rifftrax material.

Plot- Linda is raped by a man in a hockey mask that forces her to sing ‘Jingle-Bells’ while he rapes her. When the cops do nothing, she teams up with other victims of the Jingle-Bell Rapist and seek revenge. Joining their ‘Rape Squad’ is also some old lady who knows Karate, who teaches them the ways of self-defense.

They first decide to pay a visit to someone who got away with raping someone they just met at a bar. They cuff him to his bed, wreck his house, strip him, and hold up a bottle of acid. I braced myself for what was to come, hoping it would be better than ‘Santa Sangre’, but watched in extreme disappointment as the girls poured purple paint out of the bottle. The girls tee-heed and I sat there pissed off, letting the rage build inside me. Their so-called “Justice” is beyond pathetic and had me sitting in confusion and hoping that these retards meet their demise soon. Instead of looking for clues or being persistent in stopping the masked rapist, they continue to attack men who had nothing to do with it. They strip some old guy naked and threaten to all rape him (umm.. ok… yeah.. that’s what will teach him… sex with 5 women at once). They also beat up a pimp after destroying his car.

The masked rapist lures all the members of the rape squad to a closed-down zoo, where he picks them off one by one. The stupidity of these characters are beyond ridiculous. One character, knowing the rapist is there, decides to turn from the group and walk home by herself. Another character decides to sacrifice herself so that he wouldn’t harm two of the others… who LOCKED THEMSELVES IN A CAGE AWAY FROM THE RAPIST.

There were times that the absurd decisions of the characters, lack of logic in the plot, and random events that took place had me laughing. Overall, there were too many plot-holes, boring scenes, and characters being retarded that made the bad outweigh the good in this film. It’s good for a few laughs, but its mainly a disappointment and manages to set women back a few hundred years.

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ANTHROPOPHAGUS

ANTHROPOPHAGUS: THE GRIM REAPER (1981)

A group of tourists are led by Mia Farrow’s sister and take a boat ride to a deserted island. Upon arrival, they realize there isn’t a soul in sight. They soon find themselves stalked by a mysterious deformed cannibalistic native who is unnaturally strong. As they are picked off one-by-one, they must unravel the mystery of the town and find a way out before they become his next meal.

The pace was a little slow and the dialogue was really cheesy at times, but the gore makes up for all that. From decapitations to forced abortions/fetus eatings… it definitely deserves it’s place on the banned list and its spot in the ‘video nasty’ era.
Also…Can Anybody…. ANYBODY tell me why they act like ‘Coca-Cola’ is some sort of orgasmic drug? They treat it like its crystal meth. Its just a soda, people. Sorry… just had to get that off my chest.
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Troll 2

TROLL 2 (1990)

Eat Your Icecream!

Let me start off with this small disclaimer…

WARNING: Once you see and experience this film… your life WILL be changed. For the better? For the worse? That’s all depending on you.

I almost had to create a new ratings classification for this mystical film of wonders.
Don’t get me wrong…. This is a horrible… HORRIBLE… movie.

But DAMN… is it a blast to watch.

EVERY aspect is tainted with failure. Every deparment had its own attribution that helped make it one of the WORST FILMS EVER MADE. There is not one single thing that even comes close to attempting redemption to the cinematic world. And that’s why we all love it. Across the world, moviegoers flock to midnight showings dressed in attire based off the film. Many consider this the next generation’s ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.
The Acting- After seeing the documentary ‘Best Worst Movie’, I quickly understood what went wrong.  Only two or three actors out of the entire cast were aiming to become professional actors. The rest already had careers in other lines of work; ranging from Dentistry to Church Missionaries. One was an actual patient at a Mental Hospital. (To be honest, the guy seems great, but during that time… he admits that he had no idea what was even going on).

Some of the characters are so over the top, it had me cringe at times, feeling embarrassment for the actors. The Dialogue sounding unnatural (and just plain weird) probably didn’t help the performance of the actors. Not to mention the face-palmingly stupid actions of every single character, which probably was the final straw that had the actors give up on their performance at some times. A teenage guy is bleeding, holding a cup of boiling mysterious substances, watching a woman melting away into green ooze and being devoured by deformed midgets… and he doesn’t run away, refrain from continuing drinking the ‘broth’, or even getting the fuck out of there.

The Plot- Doesn’t really make any sense. A suburban family decides to house-swap with a farming family in some small town in the middle of nowhere. They find out that the town is run by Vegetarian Goblins, not Trolls, who attempt to transform the humans into plants… to… eat them…

….yeah…

So Joshua, with the help of his dead grandfather, try to take down the kingdom of the goblins and help his family return home.

GORE- I wouldn’t really call it gore, since its green slime and ooze. But we got children turning into trees, cut/trimmed by a chainsaw, chicks being dissolved and eaten, ministers set on fire, and midgets getting cut up.
This film, although lacking good quality filmmaking, is full of wonder and charm. Every viewing I somehow manage to pick up something new that I like. There is NEVER a dull moment in this movie.

YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

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Woodchipper Massacre

The Woodchipper Massacre (1988)


Imagine, if you will, getting home from school and turning on ABC family. They have an after-school special, most likely a made-for-tv production, about three kids who are left alone while their father is away on business. Naturally… Schenanigans ensue.. and end up causing trouble with their strict act (who forbids any fun or happiness at all). Over time, they get over their differences and bond in a very loving and touching manner… Sounds like a nice way to spend the afternoon, right?
IN THIS FILM, however, half-way through, the youngest kid, about 12, stabs the aunt “by accident” and she dies. They argue for about 20 MINUTES… annoying the hell out of the audience (if there is one)… and decide to hide the body and cover it up. By the way, if the first thing that comes to my mind if I accidentally kill someone… IS NOT that I wouldn’t be able to sell girl scout cookies… you know what… it’s best if I don’t get into their individual motivations to cover-up the murder… you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

After they FREEZE the body and throw it into a wood-chipper (complete with a Happy musical score playing the entire time, which sounds fine theoretically for a cult/b-movie… but it is executed so bad that the only word to describe it is= FAIL!).. their ex-con cousin drops by… and ends up being next.

Their dad decides to come home early… so there is a happy musical montage of the children finally bonding and cleaning up the house/yard. Their dad comes home to award them new bikes…. It’s the perfect after school special for the Manson children… well… it would be if done right…

I don’t even want to discuss their ‘acting’, because there was none. I’m pretty sure some of them were reading their lines from off-screen. The editing was choppy and filled with Continuity problems, not to mention the image looks as if it was shot ON a VHS tape. The pacing is just a nightmare… nothing happens for 45 minutes, then there’s a 20 minute discussion that will make anyone on Adderall fall asleep.
I recommend you skip this one. Some of it can be saved by riffing it with drunken friends, but there are better choices out there than this Piece of Garbage.

FILM RATING: 1 (out of 5)

RIFF RATING: 2 (out of 4)

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Birdemic: Shock and Terror

BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR

Jesus Fucking Christ....

Wow… Where do I even begin with this one… This seems to borrow all sorts of elements from other crappy movies. Here are a FEW of the ones that I have noticed.

Opening Sequence- Right out of Manos, The Hands of Fate.. only with actual title cards running through the ‘scenery’..
Establishing Shots= The Room, only instead of random shots of San Francisco landmarks… this uses someone Parking and/or Pulling into Traffic to set up the scene… or to transition from one scene to the next. It would make a great drinking game  if you take a shot everytime someone parks or drives off. It would also guarantee you a trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Dialogue= Some poor crazy hippy’s Cable Access Show. I’m completely serious… Instead of running from the murderous eagles… they actually take 5-10 minutes to talk about the enviroment with EVERY SINGLE PERSON THEY MEET. No joke. They even stop running/hiding in the woods to talk to a man who lives in a tree (who wears the most ridiculous wig i’ve ever seen) about… ‘Spruce Bark Beetles’ and how they are a danger to the trees in the forest.
CGI= The CGI birds… look like they were taken straight from a .gif gallery on 4chan. Actually, I take that back.. 4chan has great graphics… These looked ripped off from a 1990s Angelfire website…

NOOOO WIREEEEE HANNGGERRRSS

Musical Score= I would say it was a bad immitation of a ‘Lifetime, Television for Women Original Movie’.. but it was nowhere near as good as those are…

Acting= I wasn’t going to comment on the acting, because there wasn’t any. The best ‘acting’ in this movie belonged to the morbidly obese mother of the ‘Victoria’s Secrets’ Model. I believe the closest way to describe the acting would be a combination of the worst parts of TROLL 2…. and the ‘talent’ you may find at the ‘Sunshine School for the Gifted and Mentally Challenged’

 

Now, here is a few things I learned from watching this motion picture event….

  1. Birds suddenly burst into flames and explode when dive-bombing into things.
  2. Birds can apparently shoot acid that melts off peoples faces.
  3. Birds cannot attack you if you hold a wire hanger, hide in the back seat with the window down, or hide under a car.
  4. Kids could care less if their parents are mutilated in front of them…as long as they can get candy or a happy meal.
  5. Parking a car and driving away every 20seconds is the only way to establish the beginning and ending of a scene.
  6. Hot girls usually take dumps in the road….which lead to their deaths.
  7. When a birdemic will take place, don’t sweat it… they apparently will give up and fly away when they’re board…. especially when you are cornered with no way out.
  8. Electric Plug-In Hybrid Mustang Vehicles exist…
  9. Product placement doesn’t need to be carefully hidden in the story… Just have an Asian girl wear a t-shirt with your message and website on THE ENTIRE TIME… and if she is involved in a sex scene… just have them do it in front of a poster with the exact same message and URL.
  10. If you forget to hide brand-names from Candy Manufacturers… don’t bother with re-shoots or hiring an Art Department… that’s for losers… Just blur out the entire Candy Section… including the actors that walk in front of it… It’s for the best.

Now that I got that off my chest…

This is a must see for all. I first watched this alone, only to drag a bunch of my friends over to my house the next day and show it to them.

Trust me, this cinematic mess is best watched with a group of friends who can marvel at how bad a movie can get.

FILM RATING- 0.01 (out of 5.0)

RIFF RATING- 4 (out of 4)


 

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