To say I’m a Fanboy of Japan’s RING series would be an understatement. At one point in time, I spent a week tracking down a 13 hour rare TV series called RING: THE FINAL CHAPTER. I’ve seen every sequel and every remake based off the story. So when this movie showed up on my radar, I did not hesitate to watch it when available. My face, when the ending credits rolled, was the expression of a child who witnessed their favorite puppy splattered all over the road by a Truck driven by a grinning maniac.
Instead of writing a 20 page thesis on how this abomination should be avoided… I shall simply make a list that should get my point across.
1. The Story had so much potential- Instead of the cursed VHS tape that makes the series so infamous… Sadako (Samara for those of you who have seen the American Remake)… spreads her curse by a viral video online. They could have shown the video spreading like wildfire on sites such as ThePirateBay or another file sharing website. They even start to tease us with possibilities when curious viewers would find the video and a 404- File not Found message pops up. But nooooo, the video just shows up on people’s computers and smart phones. The best part of the original curse illustrated that Curiosity killed the cat. Those who just HAVE TO KNOW would watch the tape and have 7 days to do something about it. Apparently Sadako changed her mind about the whole thing when she hit the web. The video shows up… people see a few seconds.. And just kill themselves.
2. The Cursed Tape is no more- I’m guessing that when Sadako went 2.0 she decided to forget old grudges and make new ones. The infamous series of random images that solve a mystery are abandoned. The movie opens with a serial killer tossing another Asian woman down the well… and then commits suicide on his Live Streaming Video Blog… which somehow resurrects Sadako… This self-snuff tape is the new Cursed video… removing any mystery elements from the story.
3. Everyone in Japan is Retarded… according to this Movie- From Characters watching their computer come to life and bringing up the death video on its own.. And they willingly sit there and watch it… to Dumbass Teenage Girls suddenly bitching out their teacher who just saved their lives when Sadako begins to crawl out of the screen by smashing it to Pieces… there is not one intelligent character in this movie.
4. CGI made by toddlers- In High School, I was a filmmaking nerd and enrolled in the film course it offered. At the beginning of the year, before skills could be mastered, I saw FX that put this movie to shame. DEAR JAPAN.. NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE CGI… There are times where it would be not only cheaper to do physically… but easier. Almost everything in this movie looks like a glorified 90s Angelfire GIF animation.
5. WTF… (and not in a good way) – I LOVE when movies go beyond the norms and throw in some unexpected randomness in the story… IF it has a point… Here is a short list of some of these god-awful WTF moments that, like Michael Bay as a fetus, should have been aborted long ago…
-Floating Laptops that shoot hair…
-Sadako kills with her evil growing hair.. Sometimes not even attached to her head….
-If Sadako shows up in a multimonitor display, say.. 25 of them… she has little twins pop out…
-Giant Sadako appears if there’s a big screen tv display… umm.. Yeah… I think Japan has more to worry about with Godzilla and Gamera than a 30 foot Asian Girl with bad hair..
-Attack of the Sadako Spider Crickets… (see next paragraph)
6. Attack of the Sadako Spider Cricket Monsters- ….. ….. I have to admit… when the film reached it’s climactic ending… bringing us back to the iconic Well… of all the things I expected to see Crawling out of the depths of darkness… Giant Sadako Spider-Cricket Monsters… was not one of them. Not one.. Or two monsters… but dozens… SRSLY, JAPAN?!? WTF… What are you smoking and will you sell me some?
Usually I will end a review with a bad/disappointing sequel by saying to avoid the movie unless you are a bored diehard fan who just wants to know what happens… but in this case… even fanatics should stay clear of this shit… The story makes no sense… and unless you have the open mind of a Heaven’s Gate Cult Member… you will want to watch the ACTUAL cursed video tape if it can bring Death to carry you away from this garbage.