Dead Snow 2

DEAD SNOW 2 (2014)

The Zombies are coming...

The Zombies are coming…

Let me start off by saying… this is the most fun I’ve had watching a Zombie movie in years. I expected an incoherent desperate mess of a film, but was rewarded with tons of wonderful surprises.

This picks up immediately where the first one left off… Martin escapes the horde of Nazi Zombies, but due to the loss of blood from cutting off his own arm… he crashes his car. Martin awakens in a hospital with 3 major surprises… 1) He’s Still Alive. 2) The police are convinced he is a psychopathic murderer who slaughtered his friends. 3) The doctors re-attached his severed arm while he was unconscious. Unfortunately, its not his arm… but the Zombie Leader’s arm that was ripped off during his getaway. With the knowledge that the Nazi Zombies are growing in number and spreading across the country, he must find a way to stop them… and if that wasn’t bad enough… his Zombie arm seems to have a will of it’s own and kills anything in it’s reach. The only assistance he can get is a local museum clerk (who apparently is a man… that looks FREAKISHLY identical to the butch Lesbian Biker Leader from FEAST 2 & 3) … and three nerds from America (who look like they were ripped out of an episode of BIG BANG THEORY)

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Without spoiling the surprises in store for potential viewers, I will say that the gore was orgasmic. They didn’t hold back… at all… Some of the kills (both Human and Zombie) were pretty damn inventive. The levels of dark humor incorporated into this movie are off the charts. Non of it was random or put in for the Hell of it… it had it’s place and was brilliant. When you are not laughing your ass off or watching the carnage and bloodshed … you are entranced by the story line and interaction with the characters.

BASICALLYThis movie is The Tits.. Tons of gore, laughs, and enough WTF moments to view this movie multiple times just to comprehend everything. I love this movie…

 

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Joy Ride 3

JOY RIDE 3 (2014)

Joy Ride 3- GTFO

Oh Boy.. Where do I begin…

 

I understand that expecting a sequel to be as satisfying as it’s predecessor… Is like expecting to see Hot Sexy Japanese Lesbians having a Pillow Fight in their panties when crashing a girl’s slumber party … Especially a direct to DVD sequel to a horror film. But even JOY RIDE 2 had it’s moments that impressed me for a film of its nature. There was basically only one attribute that I could detect from this impotent unnecessary entry that was semi-redeemable… the gratuitous carnage and slaying.

This sequel has to be the bloodiest addition to the ‘Saga of Rusty-Nail’. The kills seemed much more inventive. They certainly were not shy in the gore department. The previous entries didn’t really focus on blood and guts. The Original focused on the actual Cat-and-Mouse game. The sequel just tried to keep up with its reputation (which pretty much failed). I believe the filmmakers gave up on the idea of making a semi-decent addition, so to make up for it.. They decided to go all out and basically triple the body count.
Now, instead of writing PARAGRAPHS AFTER PARAGRAPHS of my rants and ravings on how this movie failed in every way possible.. I shall save us all some time… And just make a list.. On how completely retarded this movie is.


1. This movie doesn’t waste any time shattering everything that made Rusty-Nail creepy and mysterious. No longer is he lurking in the shadows or a silhouette in the corner of your eye. Right at the beginning.. We see Rusty-Nail… His face… What he looks like… In daylight… Looking the exact opposite of scary.

2. The opening credit sequence could honestly go perfectly to Benny Hill music playing in the background… Again… The exact opposite of scary…

3. Another thing that made the original so creepy… Was that the entire time… The audience ponders how this unstoppable force keeps finding them. So, naturally, they get rid of that as well. NOT ONLY does Rusty have a computer set up (with magical WIFI that works in the middle of nowhere… When phones don’t even work)… BUT ALSO a video camera mounted on the truck. Keep in mind that AT NO TIME do we ever see the actual camera set-up. In every exterior shot with the truck in frame.. There is NOTHING mounted or placed.. Yet.. He apparently has a video feed going… WITH MULTIPLE ANGLES! So after someone pisses him off, he records the car… Uses the internet to look up their license plate.. And cyber-stalks the Hell out of them… Apparently every single 12-year-old girl possesses the skills to be unstoppable killing machines…

4. The story makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE… Why the fuck are they hiding from the police.. THEY didn’t break the law… They just cut him off… They would seriously risk their lives on a serial killer than explain to the cops why this rampage is taking place???

5. ALL OF THE CHARACTERS ARE FUCKING RETARDED… The characters, on their way to participate in a huge car racing event, have a car that can CLEARLY outrun the Psychopath’s truck…. STOP driving to safety after Rusty first attempts to drive them off the road… And split up… So some of them can GO BACK to his stalled out truck to see if he’s alright…. His truck didn’t even crash, just stalled in the road.. AFTER TRYING TO KILL THEM…

6. QUESTION: After witnessing the grisly slaying of some of your closest friends.. From a pissed off TRUCKER who YOU KNOW IS FOLLOWING AND WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE… And you decide.. Fuck it… You get out of the car, count your losses, and just walk away from the whole situation (at which point I’m yelling out ‘FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO ISN’T A COMPLETE FUCKTARD) WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD’S GREEN LEFT TIT… WOULD YOU KEEP TRYING TO STOP EVERY TRUCK THAT DRIVES BY FOR HELP?!?!

There’s more I could add to my tangent, but it gives away too many spoilers. Basically, the only reason to watch this shit is for the bloody fucked up kills… Everything else.. Will probably annoy the Hell out of you… Or piss you off (if you are a fan of the original)… Watch at your own risk.

 

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Inhuman Resources

Inhuman Resources (2012)

Inhuman Resources

Just about everybody claims they have the boss from Hell… but have they ever been drugged, kidnapped, chained to a desk, and executed if they don’t get the job done?

The plot is pretty simple… An escaped convicted serial killer… kidnaps several people (all of which had SOMETHING to do with his Trial)…. and chains them to a desk… Their job… is to prove he is innocent.. if they fuck up… they get a warning. After receiving their fifth warning… they are executed in front of their co-workers.

What caught me off guard was that the character of the demented boss, Mr. Reddmann, wasn’t the cut-and-paste crazy maniac you expect from this kind of movie. He states right off the bat that he is reasonable and fair. You can’t help but feel bad for the guy at times. If you can’t keep up with the pace because you don’t have glasses… instead of outright killing the bitch… he finds her a pair and calms her down. That being said… when you DO fuck up… Jesus Titty Fucking Christ…. Brace for Brutality. Is it fucked up that I’ve actually had WORSE bosses than this guy?

I’m ashamed to say that I was KIND of let down with the gore. Don’t get me wrong… There was a lot of it… And VERY well done… But with Tom Savini behind it… I was expecting Gore-Galore… But. It was still refreshing to see that SOME FILMMAKERS don’t COMPLETELY rely on CGI for EVERYTHING….

Another vice…. The movie kind of missed a shit load of opportunities to work with their office setting. After working in a high stressed office environment for over 10 years… I was expecting to see inventive and gruesome methods of slaying that incorporated every day office supplies and equipment… Sadly.. This was all a tease… Was it the movie’s fault? … Should the offense be attributed to my own imagination for setting my expectations too high? That is for you to determine.

If you are looking for an entertaining way to spend an hour and a half… Look no further. This flick integrates elements of dark humor, interesting scenarios, old-school gore, and a few likable characters here and there.

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SADAKO 2

SADAKO 2 (2013)

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Five years have passed since the events of SADAKO 3D took place… and thankfully… they make more sense than the last time. I was VERY reluctant to watch this movie… it was like a Rape victim strolling down the same deserted alley for the first time since the incident. Luckily, this film was an improvement from the last entry… but not by much…

Nagi, raised by her aunt after her mother died after giving birth, is a shy little girl who is feared by everyone around her. She draws pictures of people’s deaths before they happen, anyone who hurts her swiftly meets their doom, and strange thinks just seem to happen when she is present. Oh yeah, and another cursed tape happens to surface and causes the viewer to commit suicide seconds after viewing it. Sound familiar?

The story was easy to follow.. Compared to the shit the last movie shoveled out… after a while… I figured out why… If ONE MISSED CALL and JU-ON: THE GRUDGE 2… fucked and had a poop baby.. This would be it. I seriously think the writers had both movies playing on 2 monitors and typed the screenplay while sitting in the middle.

I don’t think the writers paid attention to what happened in the last film, since the man who committed suicide and rebooted the curse.. Is apparently alive and in jail… so shouldn’t Sadako still be locked away in her little well?

Copycat or not… I was still entertained. A few times I was taken by surprise and there are MANY flaws to the movie, but overall it was an OK way to spend an hour and a half.

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P.S. – Please.. For the love of God and All that is Holy.. If there is another one… STOP with the annoying 90′s Cliché 3D gimmicks and QUIT trying to make Sadako’s evil hair a ‘thing’… it’s not scary, it doesn’t make sense, and the FX suck donkey balls… KTHNXBAI .

 

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SADAKO 3D

SADAKO (2012)

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To say I’m a Fanboy of Japan’s RING series would be an understatement. At one point in time, I spent a week tracking down a 13 hour rare TV series called RING: THE FINAL CHAPTER. I’ve seen every sequel and every remake based off the story. So when this movie showed up on my radar, I did not hesitate to watch it when available. My face, when the ending credits rolled, was the expression of a child who witnessed their favorite puppy splattered all over the road by a Truck driven by a grinning maniac.

Instead of writing a 20 page thesis on how this abomination should be avoided… I shall simply make a list that should get my point across.

1. The Story had so much potential- Instead of the cursed VHS tape that makes the series so infamous… Sadako (Samara for those of you who have seen the American Remake)… spreads her curse by a viral video online. They could have shown the video spreading like wildfire on sites such as ThePirateBay or another file sharing website. They even start to tease us with possibilities when curious viewers would find the video and a 404- File not Found message pops up. But nooooo, the video just shows up on people’s computers and smart phones. The best part of the original curse illustrated that Curiosity killed the cat. Those who just HAVE TO KNOW would watch the tape and have 7 days to do something about it. Apparently Sadako changed her mind about the whole thing when she hit the web. The video shows up… people see a few seconds.. And just kill themselves.

2. The Cursed Tape is no more- I’m guessing that when Sadako went 2.0 she decided to forget old grudges and make new ones. The infamous series of random images that solve a mystery are abandoned. The movie opens with a serial killer tossing another Asian woman down the well… and then commits suicide on his Live Streaming Video Blog… which somehow resurrects Sadako… This self-snuff tape is the new Cursed video… removing any mystery elements from the story.

3. Everyone in Japan is Retarded… according to this Movie- From Characters watching their computer come to life and bringing up the death video on its own.. And they willingly sit there and watch it… to Dumbass Teenage Girls suddenly bitching out their teacher who just saved their lives when Sadako begins to crawl out of the screen by smashing it to Pieces… there is not one intelligent character in this movie.

4. CGI made by toddlers- In High School, I was a filmmaking nerd and enrolled in the film course it offered. At the beginning of the year, before skills could be mastered, I saw FX that put this movie to shame. DEAR JAPAN.. NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE CGI… There are times where it would be not only cheaper to do physically… but easier. Almost everything in this movie looks like a glorified 90s Angelfire GIF animation.

5. WTF… (and not in a good way) – I LOVE when movies go beyond the norms and throw in some unexpected randomness in the story… IF it has a point… Here is a short list of some of these god-awful WTF moments that, like Michael Bay as a fetus, should have been aborted long ago…
-Floating Laptops that shoot hair…
-Sadako kills with her evil growing hair.. Sometimes not even attached to her head….
-If Sadako shows up in a multimonitor display, say.. 25 of them… she has little twins pop out…
-Giant Sadako appears if there’s a big screen tv display… umm.. Yeah… I think Japan has more to worry about with Godzilla and Gamera than a 30 foot Asian Girl with bad hair..
-Attack of the Sadako Spider Crickets… (see next paragraph)

6. Attack of the Sadako Spider Cricket Monsters- ….. ….. I have to admit… when the film reached it’s climactic ending… bringing us back to the iconic Well… of all the things I expected to see Crawling out of the depths of darkness… Giant Sadako Spider-Cricket Monsters… was not one of them. Not one.. Or two monsters… but dozens… SRSLY, JAPAN?!? WTF… What are you smoking and will you sell me some?

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Usually I will end a review with a bad/disappointing sequel by saying to avoid the movie unless you are a bored diehard fan who just wants to know what happens… but in this case… even fanatics should stay clear of this shit… The story makes no sense… and unless you have the open mind of a Heaven’s Gate Cult Member… you will want to watch the ACTUAL cursed video tape if it can bring Death to carry you away from this garbage.

 

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10 Ways to Survive a ‘CHILDREN OF THE CORN’ Attack

10 WAYS TO SURVIVE A ‘CHILDREN OF THE CORN’ ATTACK

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(Note: According to ‘CHILDREN OF THE CORN: REVELATION’)

1) The most obvious is to go back In time and get the little fuckers aborted… But, since that’s a pretty hard thing to accomplish… If you happen to see a child.. And the only thing they say in response to the many things you ask them.. Is “KILL”… Umm… Running would be the first option.

2) If you happen to find yourself stalked by one or more of the demonic bastards.. Give them a few quarters.. Apparently they, like all children, will stop what they are doing to play video games.. In this case… HOUSE OF THE DEAD. During this distraction, quickly make your escape.. And if another child approaches.. Just throw some quarters at them and run away.

3) If you don’t happen to have any quarters on you.. Or run out… Always have your smartphone ready… Loaded with games of course.. Unfortunately this will only work if one child is after you.. Maybe consider hoarding iPhones in case this situation pops up in your future .

4) If alone in a dark street… And a creepy girl shows up.. Draw a giant upside down pentacle so the little girl will play hopscotch in it. Then, make your escape.

5) If in trouble… Avoid cops… They can’t do shit.

6) When searching for a missing relative, especially an elderly woman… And you see a creepy little girl dancing in the cornfield wearing her hat… DON’T be a complete retard and chase after her…

7) Don’t Be a Complete Idiot that borders on Mental Retardation… Chased by demonic cult children? Don’t take an elevator.. Shit will happen. Come across the store of someone who tried warning you about the Children and it’s ransacked? Don’t go inside.. Shit will happen. If one of the kids tries to get you to follow them so they can show something (and you know they are evil murderous fuckers) DON’T FOLLOW THEM… Especially if they are giggling.

8) If at all possible… Try to fit the ideal demographic for typical survivors. Don’t have tits.. This will ensure your demise. If you happen to find yourself owning breasts… Don’t be a slut… This will speed up the process. If you are disabled and rely on a wheelchair, be sure to avoid staircases or heights… If you have medical conditions, you may want to start remembering your medication. Take Drugs? Well, enjoy them while they last.. Because you surely will not.

9) Follow a Priest’s Advice: The only way to survive is to leave.

10. If fire failed to stop this Cult of Demon Worshipping Bastards.. On two separate occasions… Try to find an alternate method of bringing them to their doom. Creativity may be a plus in this department.

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PA-SIYAM

PA-SIYAM (2004)

Pa-Siyam

I’m a HUGE Asian Horror movie fan… and like any other drug addict… I’m always looking for my next high. I stumbled upon this little gem while searching LITERALLY THOUSANDS of movies with the keyword ‘Haunted Houses’. Yes, I know… I have problems… but this is old news… The search was worth it. Out of the many pieces of shit that call themselves ‘films’.. there will be one gem hidden among them.

PLOT- Nilo (Roderick Paulate) travels back to his childhood home after learning of his mother’s death. The remaining members of his family, as well as the caretakers, agree to stay 9 days in respect for the Pa-Sayim funeral rite. Strange things begin to happen right off the bat, which bring the mourning family into a waking nightmare… and that is only the beginning…

It’s refreshing to see a horror movie, a haunted house movie in fact, to go beyond the cliches of it’s territory and produce new and original material. I’m talking about the footsteps upstairs, random objects flying at people for no reason, horrible CGI ghosts running behind unsuspecting characters, and any other jump scares you can think of. The horrors inflicted upon this family literally had me gagging at times. Every single supernatural occurrence had a significance and meaning to the story line. There were no ‘scares’ or unnecessary crap scattered about the movie just for the intention of keeping the audience on their toes.

Another thing that took me by surprise was the amount of Drama and Characterization that encircled this family. It’s VERY rare for a movie to get me to sympathize with ANY of it’s characters… So I give this flick props for getting me to feel bad for what the Mother went through. At times, my mouth was hanging open in amazement… and that’s a hard thing to pull off.

There were a few things scattered about that didn’t agree with me. Some of the character’s actions and decisions were face-palm worthy… And some of the plot twists were easily predictable 10 minutes into the movie (Not ALL of them, just a few)… But overall… I would HIGHLY recommend this movie for creepy atmosphere, good ACTUAL scares, and a story that would grab the attention from the world’s most ADHD diagnosed viewer. If you can ever track this movie down… Do it!

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New Reviews Coming….

Just viewed a BUNCH of weird, obscure, and pretty damn original horror films the last couple of days… so expect A LOT of movie reviews to be posted soon… :D

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RIFFTRAX LIVE: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

RIFFTRAX LIVE: SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

 

 

 

Rifftrax Live:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Ever since the early 90s, I have been a HUGE fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000.. and was one of the millions who were devastated when the show was not only canceled, but taken off the air completely. So, when it made it’s some-what return (in the form of Rifftrax) I did not hesitate to check them out.

With just about every Rifftrax Live event (from the ones I have been to at least).. they always open with a short (or two).. In the Holiday spirit, the 1951 short film ‘Santa and the Fairy Snow Queen’ is unleashed upon it’s unsuspecting audience. This short is filled with enough terrifying and frightening images to feed my nightmares for the next 3 years. The only thing I could gather from the ‘Storyline’ was that a tweaked out ADHD ‘brownie’ (Santa no longer enlists the assistance of elves anymore apparently) tries to make children appreciate the toys they are given on Christmas. Then, what seems like a heroin addict dressed as a ‘Fairy Snow Queen’… umm.. ‘dances’.. and brings all the toys to life. Think of this as a really Fucked up version of Toy Story… played by Drug Addicts.

I have never seen ‘Santa Claus Conquers the Martians’ (the movie.. or the MST3K/Cinematic Titanic episodes)… so this was a fresh experience for me. The film tells the story of the Children on Mars. Basically, they all look like they take too much Prozac and Ambien. The leader of the Martians decides to kidnap Santa to bring cheer and happiness to Children on Mars. On the way, they end up also kidnapping two Earth Children on the way… which somehow sets off a series of events leading to an attempted Mutiny and all kinds of Shenanigans

Now.. onto the Riff itself. This is one of the funniest Rifftrax Live Events I have been to. They perfectly balanced out the levels of humor to make sure every demographic is entertained. There was only one or two mess-ups with the lines… which added to the entertainment and charm. I HIGHLY recommend downloading this when they release it on VOD or DVD.

 

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APARTMENT 143

APARTMENT 143 (2011)

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I’m not going to lie… I had VERY LOW expectations for this movie. The found-footage genre is getting so repetitive and forgetful, that only a few movies manage to actually pull it off… Cannibal Holocaust and Chronicle seem to be the only ones I don’t seem to mind.

Alan White and his two kids are plagued by unknown forces no matter where they go. Minutes after his wife died, the events began… And fearing for his children’s safety… He contacts a Paranormal Investigative team to move in with him and document everything. Not even an hour after they set up, they witness horrifying phenomena. As they investigate the events surrounding the family, they slowly uncover the truth to what is going on.

Just a few minutes in, I realized this was not another knock off of Paranormal Activity. I expected to be exposed to small hauntings that built up over time, feeding off the family’s fear. Boy, was I wrong. The hauntings pick up immediately, and it is paced unlike others belonging to this genre, in that you never know what’s going to happen next.

The acting was carried out well. I enjoyed seeing the two investigator assistants interact with each other. They acted realistically, which almost never happens. I guess Gia Mantegna carried out her part well, because I wanted to bitch slap her into next week. She plays Caitlin, Alan’s Distespectful rebellious teen daughter, who not only blames him for her mother’s death, but ends up being a key ingredient to the truth surrounding them.

There is a lot of mystery to this movie. It is never truely established what actually went down, but we do get plenty of theories to make everyone happy. Is the house haunted? Are they plagued by a demon? Is she possessed? Is the little boy like Damien? Who knows… It’s up to the viewer to decide.

All in all, I was very pleasantly surprised by this flick. Good scares mixed with knowledge of paranormal investigation.. And kept it believable, unlike “Grave Encounters”. I recommend this to anyone who was disappointed by what Paranormal Activity promised and ended up delivering… Because this film has all sorts of levels that are waiting to be explored.

PAZUZU-APPROVED

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