10 WAYS TO SURVIVE A ‘CHILDREN OF THE CORN’ ATTACK
1) The most obvious is to go back In time and get the little fuckers aborted… But, since that’s a pretty hard thing to accomplish… If you happen to see a child.. And the only thing they say in response to the many things you ask them.. Is “KILL”… Umm… Running would be the first option.
2) If you happen to find yourself stalked by one or more of the demonic bastards.. Give them a few quarters.. Apparently they, like all children, will stop what they are doing to play video games.. In this case… HOUSE OF THE DEAD. During this distraction, quickly make your escape.. And if another child approaches.. Just throw some quarters at them and run away.
3) If you don’t happen to have any quarters on you.. Or run out… Always have your smartphone ready… Loaded with games of course.. Unfortunately this will only work if one child is after you.. Maybe consider hoarding iPhones in case this situation pops up in your future .
4) If alone in a dark street… And a creepy girl shows up.. Draw a giant upside down pentacle so the little girl will play hopscotch in it. Then, make your escape.
5) If in trouble… Avoid cops… They can’t do shit.
6) When searching for a missing relative, especially an elderly woman… And you see a creepy little girl dancing in the cornfield wearing her hat… DON’T be a complete retard and chase after her…
7) Don’t Be a Complete Idiot that borders on Mental Retardation… Chased by demonic cult children? Don’t take an elevator.. Shit will happen. Come across the store of someone who tried warning you about the Children and it’s ransacked? Don’t go inside.. Shit will happen. If one of the kids tries to get you to follow them so they can show something (and you know they are evil murderous fuckers) DON’T FOLLOW THEM… Especially if they are giggling.
8) If at all possible… Try to fit the ideal demographic for typical survivors. Don’t have tits.. This will ensure your demise. If you happen to find yourself owning breasts… Don’t be a slut… This will speed up the process. If you are disabled and rely on a wheelchair, be sure to avoid staircases or heights… If you have medical conditions, you may want to start remembering your medication. Take Drugs? Well, enjoy them while they last.. Because you surely will not.
9) Follow a Priest’s Advice: The only way to survive is to leave.
10. If fire failed to stop this Cult of Demon Worshipping Bastards.. On two separate occasions… Try to find an alternate method of bringing them to their doom. Creativity may be a plus in this department.