AMERICAN GOTHIC

American Gothic

 

 

 

 

 

American Gothic (1988)

After being released from a Mental Hospital for a breakdown caused by her baby drowning in the tub... Cynthia decides to take a vacation with some friends... Unfortunately.. Their plane breaks down and they land on a small island... Where they stumble upon the strangest family in existence... Who wants to play...
CLASS
GRADE
REMARKS
PLOTB-Although it strongly resembles the typical Vacation Horror Movie... There's enough twists to make it stand out.
ACTINGB-Some performances were pretty damn good.. Unfortunately some of the cliché lesser characters drag the rating down.
CINEMATOGRAPHY BWhile some of the scenes didn't really stand out... There were a few that really added to the scene.
DIRECTINGB-My only complaint is the first 1/3 of the film.. Which shouts out that it's just another 80s Slasher in the woods movie... The rest of it, however, was carried out well.
EDITINGB-Some scenes were shot in a way that really impacted and raised the tension that both the viewer and characters shared.
HOT SEXY LEABIANS ?FDoes not play well with others.
ORIGINALITYBWhat started out as the standard slasher movie.. Quickly changed tactics and derailed into a unique horrifying freak show.. It doesn't even follow the standard horror film formula..
SCOREC+A good mix of a little outdated 80s music with tension inspiring scores.
SCREENPLAYBWhile some characters are the cardboard cutouts you find in every other movie.. The rest have interesting backgrounds that relate to the conflict later on. At some point during the movie.. You can't help feel for every character who remains in the last half of the movie.
SPECIAL FXN/ADidn't rely on any...
VISUAL FX/GOREBWhile this wasn't a gore-fest.. The kills were original enough to make you not care about the aftermath of the recently departed..
WTF SCOREBI applaud the movie on its pacing with delivering the many WTF moments... At first.. Nothing.. Then one by one they start to pop out at you.. Until all that's left is an endless barrage of strange and obscure twists being hurled at you without mercy.
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LEPRECHAUN: ORIGINS

Leprechaun: Origins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leprechaun: Origins

Four friends are traveling in Ireland when they get mixed up in the dark secrets of a little town and a demonic Leprechaun.
CLASS
GRADE
REMARKS
PLOTCMediocre and Overused...
ACTINGC+Some actors were impressive... And others.. Dragged the score down..
CINEMATOGRAPHY CWould have been a B...but the framing is so obvious of an incoming jump scare.. It's annoying...
DIRECTINGB-The director made a bold move changing everything about the whole series.. No longer a horror-'comedy'... It actually took itself seriously...
EDITINGC+...meh.. Nothing too special...
HOT SEXY LEABIANS ?FApparently Leprechauns don't seek them out in Ireland...
ORIGINALITYD... Come on.. A bunch of teenagers go to a small town and are exposed to horrors...
SCOREC-Nothing really to remark...
SCREENPLAYCAlthough the script is just like every other 'Vacation Horror' movie.. The fact that this was so drastically different and tried to stand out from the other entries in the series.. Impressed me... Even though I was a little bummed out Warwick Davis wasn't in it.. At the end of the film.. It's obvious why... There's nothing scary about the lovable wise-cracking murdeous midget in green...
SPECIAL FXC
VISUAL FX/GOREC+Nothing too impressive in the gore department.. But the Leprechaun brought the grade up...
WTF SCOREDOnly one real moment that comes to mind... Other than that.. It's your standard average horror movie..
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POSSESSION OF MICHAEL KING

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Possession of Michael King (2014)

After the death of his wife, which was caused partially by believing in the advice of a Psychic, Michael King sets out to make a Documentary that would debunk the Supernatural... Unfortunately.. Shit hits the fan when he calls out Satan....
CLASS
GRADE
REMARKS
PLOTCOh Look! Another found footage movie about the occult...
ACTINGB+Would have been an A-, but had a few too many cheesy moments for my liking..
CINEMATOGRAPHY C+... It's a found footage movie.. What else do you expect. Still.. Once or twice the camera work was surprising.
DIRECTINGB+Not too shabby....
EDITINGC-Could have been great.. But I got the feeling that they lacked confidence that the movie could be creepy on its own (which is a shame..).. So they added enough Jump scares to wake the dead... And annoy the Hell out of the Living...
HOT SEXY LEABIANS ?FNot One Hot Sexy Lesbian to be seen...
ORIGINALITYBIt's difficult to get anything abouve a C in horror... Especially when it comes to demonology and possession... But DAMN.. they added some pretty impressive scenarios.. Kudos on that...
SCOREBJust a tad above the mediocrity line at times...
SCREENPLAYB-While most of the time it falls into the average found footage movie.. There are little additions scattered around that clearly shows the research they put into this project... And a few unsettling moments that other movies in this genre lack.
SPECIAL FXD+I wish people would realize that not EVERYTHING needs to be CGI... You seriously couldn't go outside and get an ant? You had to add it in digitally?!?
VISUAL FX/GOREB+When they didn't rely on the over abundance of CGI... Their gore and FX were pretty impressive... Sometimes.. Disgusting...
WTF MOMENTSBDamn....
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Some Changes….

I’m going to change it up around here.. There’s way too many horror review sites… And not everyone wants to read an essays or risk spoilers.. So.. From now on.. I’ll basically do reviews as… Report Cards…

A quick and easy way to find out if a movie sucks or not.. Without having to read everything about the movie before you even see it.

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Dead Snow 2

DEAD SNOW 2 (2014)

The Zombies are coming...

The Zombies are coming…

Let me start off by saying… this is the most fun I’ve had watching a Zombie movie in years. I expected an incoherent desperate mess of a film, but was rewarded with tons of wonderful surprises.

This picks up immediately where the first one left off… Martin escapes the horde of Nazi Zombies, but due to the loss of blood from cutting off his own arm… he crashes his car. Martin awakens in a hospital with 3 major surprises… 1) He’s Still Alive. 2) The police are convinced he is a psychopathic murderer who slaughtered his friends. 3) The doctors re-attached his severed arm while he was unconscious. Unfortunately, its not his arm… but the Zombie Leader’s arm that was ripped off during his getaway. With the knowledge that the Nazi Zombies are growing in number and spreading across the country, he must find a way to stop them… and if that wasn’t bad enough… his Zombie arm seems to have a will of it’s own and kills anything in it’s reach. The only assistance he can get is a local museum clerk (who apparently is a man… that looks FREAKISHLY identical to the butch Lesbian Biker Leader from FEAST 2 & 3) … and three nerds from America (who look like they were ripped out of an episode of BIG BANG THEORY)

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Without spoiling the surprises in store for potential viewers, I will say that the gore was orgasmic. They didn’t hold back… at all… Some of the kills (both Human and Zombie) were pretty damn inventive. The levels of dark humor incorporated into this movie are off the charts. Non of it was random or put in for the Hell of it… it had it’s place and was brilliant. When you are not laughing your ass off or watching the carnage and bloodshed … you are entranced by the story line and interaction with the characters.

BASICALLYThis movie is The Tits.. Tons of gore, laughs, and enough WTF moments to view this movie multiple times just to comprehend everything. I love this movie…

 

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Joy Ride 3

JOY RIDE 3 (2014)

Joy Ride 3- GTFO

Oh Boy.. Where do I begin…

 

I understand that expecting a sequel to be as satisfying as it’s predecessor… Is like expecting to see Hot Sexy Japanese Lesbians having a Pillow Fight in their panties when crashing a girl’s slumber party … Especially a direct to DVD sequel to a horror film. But even JOY RIDE 2 had it’s moments that impressed me for a film of its nature. There was basically only one attribute that I could detect from this impotent unnecessary entry that was semi-redeemable… the gratuitous carnage and slaying.

This sequel has to be the bloodiest addition to the ‘Saga of Rusty-Nail’. The kills seemed much more inventive. They certainly were not shy in the gore department. The previous entries didn’t really focus on blood and guts. The Original focused on the actual Cat-and-Mouse game. The sequel just tried to keep up with its reputation (which pretty much failed). I believe the filmmakers gave up on the idea of making a semi-decent addition, so to make up for it.. They decided to go all out and basically triple the body count.
Now, instead of writing PARAGRAPHS AFTER PARAGRAPHS of my rants and ravings on how this movie failed in every way possible.. I shall save us all some time… And just make a list.. On how completely retarded this movie is.


1. This movie doesn’t waste any time shattering everything that made Rusty-Nail creepy and mysterious. No longer is he lurking in the shadows or a silhouette in the corner of your eye. Right at the beginning.. We see Rusty-Nail… His face… What he looks like… In daylight… Looking the exact opposite of scary.

2. The opening credit sequence could honestly go perfectly to Benny Hill music playing in the background… Again… The exact opposite of scary…

3. Another thing that made the original so creepy… Was that the entire time… The audience ponders how this unstoppable force keeps finding them. So, naturally, they get rid of that as well. NOT ONLY does Rusty have a computer set up (with magical WIFI that works in the middle of nowhere… When phones don’t even work)… BUT ALSO a video camera mounted on the truck. Keep in mind that AT NO TIME do we ever see the actual camera set-up. In every exterior shot with the truck in frame.. There is NOTHING mounted or placed.. Yet.. He apparently has a video feed going… WITH MULTIPLE ANGLES! So after someone pisses him off, he records the car… Uses the internet to look up their license plate.. And cyber-stalks the Hell out of them… Apparently every single 12-year-old girl possesses the skills to be unstoppable killing machines…

4. The story makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE… Why the fuck are they hiding from the police.. THEY didn’t break the law… They just cut him off… They would seriously risk their lives on a serial killer than explain to the cops why this rampage is taking place???

5. ALL OF THE CHARACTERS ARE FUCKING RETARDED… The characters, on their way to participate in a huge car racing event, have a car that can CLEARLY outrun the Psychopath’s truck…. STOP driving to safety after Rusty first attempts to drive them off the road… And split up… So some of them can GO BACK to his stalled out truck to see if he’s alright…. His truck didn’t even crash, just stalled in the road.. AFTER TRYING TO KILL THEM…

6. QUESTION: After witnessing the grisly slaying of some of your closest friends.. From a pissed off TRUCKER who YOU KNOW IS FOLLOWING AND WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE… And you decide.. Fuck it… You get out of the car, count your losses, and just walk away from the whole situation (at which point I’m yelling out ‘FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO ISN’T A COMPLETE FUCKTARD) WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD’S GREEN LEFT TIT… WOULD YOU KEEP TRYING TO STOP EVERY TRUCK THAT DRIVES BY FOR HELP?!?!

There’s more I could add to my tangent, but it gives away too many spoilers. Basically, the only reason to watch this shit is for the bloody fucked up kills… Everything else.. Will probably annoy the Hell out of you… Or piss you off (if you are a fan of the original)… Watch at your own risk.

 

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Inhuman Resources

Inhuman Resources (2012)

Inhuman Resources

Just about everybody claims they have the boss from Hell… but have they ever been drugged, kidnapped, chained to a desk, and executed if they don’t get the job done?

The plot is pretty simple… An escaped convicted serial killer… kidnaps several people (all of which had SOMETHING to do with his Trial)…. and chains them to a desk… Their job… is to prove he is innocent.. if they fuck up… they get a warning. After receiving their fifth warning… they are executed in front of their co-workers.

What caught me off guard was that the character of the demented boss, Mr. Reddmann, wasn’t the cut-and-paste crazy maniac you expect from this kind of movie. He states right off the bat that he is reasonable and fair. You can’t help but feel bad for the guy at times. If you can’t keep up with the pace because you don’t have glasses… instead of outright killing the bitch… he finds her a pair and calms her down. That being said… when you DO fuck up… Jesus Titty Fucking Christ…. Brace for Brutality. Is it fucked up that I’ve actually had WORSE bosses than this guy?

I’m ashamed to say that I was KIND of let down with the gore. Don’t get me wrong… There was a lot of it… And VERY well done… But with Tom Savini behind it… I was expecting Gore-Galore… But. It was still refreshing to see that SOME FILMMAKERS don’t COMPLETELY rely on CGI for EVERYTHING….

Another vice…. The movie kind of missed a shit load of opportunities to work with their office setting. After working in a high stressed office environment for over 10 years… I was expecting to see inventive and gruesome methods of slaying that incorporated every day office supplies and equipment… Sadly.. This was all a tease… Was it the movie’s fault? … Should the offense be attributed to my own imagination for setting my expectations too high? That is for you to determine.

If you are looking for an entertaining way to spend an hour and a half… Look no further. This flick integrates elements of dark humor, interesting scenarios, old-school gore, and a few likable characters here and there.

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SADAKO 2

SADAKO 2 (2013)

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Five years have passed since the events of SADAKO 3D took place… and thankfully… they make more sense than the last time. I was VERY reluctant to watch this movie… it was like a Rape victim strolling down the same deserted alley for the first time since the incident. Luckily, this film was an improvement from the last entry… but not by much…

Nagi, raised by her aunt after her mother died after giving birth, is a shy little girl who is feared by everyone around her. She draws pictures of people’s deaths before they happen, anyone who hurts her swiftly meets their doom, and strange thinks just seem to happen when she is present. Oh yeah, and another cursed tape happens to surface and causes the viewer to commit suicide seconds after viewing it. Sound familiar?

The story was easy to follow.. Compared to the shit the last movie shoveled out… after a while… I figured out why… If ONE MISSED CALL and JU-ON: THE GRUDGE 2… fucked and had a poop baby.. This would be it. I seriously think the writers had both movies playing on 2 monitors and typed the screenplay while sitting in the middle.

I don’t think the writers paid attention to what happened in the last film, since the man who committed suicide and rebooted the curse.. Is apparently alive and in jail… so shouldn’t Sadako still be locked away in her little well?

Copycat or not… I was still entertained. A few times I was taken by surprise and there are MANY flaws to the movie, but overall it was an OK way to spend an hour and a half.

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P.S. – Please.. For the love of God and All that is Holy.. If there is another one… STOP with the annoying 90′s Cliché 3D gimmicks and QUIT trying to make Sadako’s evil hair a ‘thing’… it’s not scary, it doesn’t make sense, and the FX suck donkey balls… KTHNXBAI .

 

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SADAKO 3D

SADAKO (2012)

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To say I’m a Fanboy of Japan’s RING series would be an understatement. At one point in time, I spent a week tracking down a 13 hour rare TV series called RING: THE FINAL CHAPTER. I’ve seen every sequel and every remake based off the story. So when this movie showed up on my radar, I did not hesitate to watch it when available. My face, when the ending credits rolled, was the expression of a child who witnessed their favorite puppy splattered all over the road by a Truck driven by a grinning maniac.

Instead of writing a 20 page thesis on how this abomination should be avoided… I shall simply make a list that should get my point across.

1. The Story had so much potential- Instead of the cursed VHS tape that makes the series so infamous… Sadako (Samara for those of you who have seen the American Remake)… spreads her curse by a viral video online. They could have shown the video spreading like wildfire on sites such as ThePirateBay or another file sharing website. They even start to tease us with possibilities when curious viewers would find the video and a 404- File not Found message pops up. But nooooo, the video just shows up on people’s computers and smart phones. The best part of the original curse illustrated that Curiosity killed the cat. Those who just HAVE TO KNOW would watch the tape and have 7 days to do something about it. Apparently Sadako changed her mind about the whole thing when she hit the web. The video shows up… people see a few seconds.. And just kill themselves.

2. The Cursed Tape is no more- I’m guessing that when Sadako went 2.0 she decided to forget old grudges and make new ones. The infamous series of random images that solve a mystery are abandoned. The movie opens with a serial killer tossing another Asian woman down the well… and then commits suicide on his Live Streaming Video Blog… which somehow resurrects Sadako… This self-snuff tape is the new Cursed video… removing any mystery elements from the story.

3. Everyone in Japan is Retarded… according to this Movie- From Characters watching their computer come to life and bringing up the death video on its own.. And they willingly sit there and watch it… to Dumbass Teenage Girls suddenly bitching out their teacher who just saved their lives when Sadako begins to crawl out of the screen by smashing it to Pieces… there is not one intelligent character in this movie.

4. CGI made by toddlers- In High School, I was a filmmaking nerd and enrolled in the film course it offered. At the beginning of the year, before skills could be mastered, I saw FX that put this movie to shame. DEAR JAPAN.. NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE CGI… There are times where it would be not only cheaper to do physically… but easier. Almost everything in this movie looks like a glorified 90s Angelfire GIF animation.

5. WTF… (and not in a good way) – I LOVE when movies go beyond the norms and throw in some unexpected randomness in the story… IF it has a point… Here is a short list of some of these god-awful WTF moments that, like Michael Bay as a fetus, should have been aborted long ago…
-Floating Laptops that shoot hair…
-Sadako kills with her evil growing hair.. Sometimes not even attached to her head….
-If Sadako shows up in a multimonitor display, say.. 25 of them… she has little twins pop out…
-Giant Sadako appears if there’s a big screen tv display… umm.. Yeah… I think Japan has more to worry about with Godzilla and Gamera than a 30 foot Asian Girl with bad hair..
-Attack of the Sadako Spider Crickets… (see next paragraph)

6. Attack of the Sadako Spider Cricket Monsters- ….. ….. I have to admit… when the film reached it’s climactic ending… bringing us back to the iconic Well… of all the things I expected to see Crawling out of the depths of darkness… Giant Sadako Spider-Cricket Monsters… was not one of them. Not one.. Or two monsters… but dozens… SRSLY, JAPAN?!? WTF… What are you smoking and will you sell me some?

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Usually I will end a review with a bad/disappointing sequel by saying to avoid the movie unless you are a bored diehard fan who just wants to know what happens… but in this case… even fanatics should stay clear of this shit… The story makes no sense… and unless you have the open mind of a Heaven’s Gate Cult Member… you will want to watch the ACTUAL cursed video tape if it can bring Death to carry you away from this garbage.

 

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10 Ways to Survive a ‘CHILDREN OF THE CORN’ Attack

10 WAYS TO SURVIVE A ‘CHILDREN OF THE CORN’ ATTACK

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(Note: According to ‘CHILDREN OF THE CORN: REVELATION’)

1) The most obvious is to go back In time and get the little fuckers aborted… But, since that’s a pretty hard thing to accomplish… If you happen to see a child.. And the only thing they say in response to the many things you ask them.. Is “KILL”… Umm… Running would be the first option.

2) If you happen to find yourself stalked by one or more of the demonic bastards.. Give them a few quarters.. Apparently they, like all children, will stop what they are doing to play video games.. In this case… HOUSE OF THE DEAD. During this distraction, quickly make your escape.. And if another child approaches.. Just throw some quarters at them and run away.

3) If you don’t happen to have any quarters on you.. Or run out… Always have your smartphone ready… Loaded with games of course.. Unfortunately this will only work if one child is after you.. Maybe consider hoarding iPhones in case this situation pops up in your future .

4) If alone in a dark street… And a creepy girl shows up.. Draw a giant upside down pentacle so the little girl will play hopscotch in it. Then, make your escape.

5) If in trouble… Avoid cops… They can’t do shit.

6) When searching for a missing relative, especially an elderly woman… And you see a creepy little girl dancing in the cornfield wearing her hat… DON’T be a complete retard and chase after her…

7) Don’t Be a Complete Idiot that borders on Mental Retardation… Chased by demonic cult children? Don’t take an elevator.. Shit will happen. Come across the store of someone who tried warning you about the Children and it’s ransacked? Don’t go inside.. Shit will happen. If one of the kids tries to get you to follow them so they can show something (and you know they are evil murderous fuckers) DON’T FOLLOW THEM… Especially if they are giggling.

8) If at all possible… Try to fit the ideal demographic for typical survivors. Don’t have tits.. This will ensure your demise. If you happen to find yourself owning breasts… Don’t be a slut… This will speed up the process. If you are disabled and rely on a wheelchair, be sure to avoid staircases or heights… If you have medical conditions, you may want to start remembering your medication. Take Drugs? Well, enjoy them while they last.. Because you surely will not.

9) Follow a Priest’s Advice: The only way to survive is to leave.

10. If fire failed to stop this Cult of Demon Worshipping Bastards.. On two separate occasions… Try to find an alternate method of bringing them to their doom. Creativity may be a plus in this department.

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